Resident Evil : Outbreak

This one will be short, as it's been a little while since I played it, and some reality show is on Tru TV right now that I'm watching. Not that I like those, but this one takes place around a pool party and has cameramen following the waitress' around at ass level. They're doing a wonderful, wonderful thing.

You may never say "oh, shit" quicker than when you boot up Resident Evil : Outbreak the first time. You legitimately know this game sucks ten seconds into playing it. How is that possible?

You start in a bar, see a bathroom, say "I should go check for stuff I can use in there", go to the door.....

And have a loading screen for two minutes. Oh dear.

Now, to be fair, I've never been a big Resident Evil fan. Played most of them, thought a few were okay, thought a few sucked (such as this one), but was never blown away by any of them. I don't think that makes me biased here, I mean, I bought the fucking thing, but I felt I should share that with all zero of you.

Really, though. The loading times in this game are Blitz : The League-esque in their length, and they happen all the time. If absurdly slow moving characters (I've never been chased by hungry zombies, but if I were I'd imagine I'd show a little more urgency) and pretty shitty controls didn't deter you, it would still be impossible to get into this game. Even if you liked it when you were playing, the load times would just kill you. They are numerous, and they are long. It hurts, man. It reminded me of back when I tried to play Diablo on my Pentium 100 back in the day. It loaded eventually, but by the time it did you were watching tv or some shit.

I beat the first level with two characters, I beat the second with one character, and that was that. I didn't care about it. I hear one of the characters has some text blocks in certain levels so long that they'd fuck up the game and make it freeze, but I never got far enough with her or cared enough to verify it. From what I did see, I wouldn't put it past them.

The game feels like Alone In The Dark in slow motion. That is my summary. At this point, you're much, much, MUCH better off buying Left 4 Dead anyway. Back when Outbreak was new, you would have been better off not buying anything. Now, if you'll excuse me, an inordinate amount of titties in bikinis are on my tv, I'm going to need one of my hands.