Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Big Rigs : Over the Road Racing (more like Total Shit : Never Purchase This Game, amirite?)

If you've read one review for this game, you've read them all, because everybody knows it sucks. The only different view you'll find comes from tards on GameSpot and the like giving it a 10 and saying it's great because LULZ DATS SO FUNNEH. That being said...

During a curious expedition on teh Internets today looking for the worst video games of all time (I wanted to see which I had played), I came across a common theme. E.T. for the Atari is apparantly the worst thing in the history of the fucking world, but Big Rigs : Over the Road Racing makes quite a few appearances on lists as well.

I had to find a copy of this game, and I did. Ebay, six bucks.

Oh my goodness fucking gracious, I should have spent that six bucks on a pack of Lucky Strikes and shoved it up my ass. It would have been a much more satisfying purchase, hell, the Lucky Strike ass-pack should have been included with my purchase to distract me from the pain.

What a piece of shit.

If you have a retard in your family with a computer, buy them this game. Seriously, I have legit reasons why. The computer controlled trucks in the "races", uh, don't move. Ever. He or she will win every time because it's literally impossible to lose, and they'll be thrilled.

Allow me to repeat myself, THE OTHER TRUCKS DO NOT MOVE IN THIS RACING GAME. Hi, I'm making a racing game, lets see how I did! Okay, looks fine, box it up.

HOW DID YOU NOT NOTICE THE OTHER TRUCKS DON'T MOVE? IT'S A FUCKING RACING GAME.

What a bunch of assholes. They either never, ever tried their product before shipping it out, or they simply didn't care. If they spent one second attempting to play it, I think they would notice that they won every race by an average distance of THE WHOLE FUCKING RACE TRACK.

Why go further from here? I've already established this piece of shit doesn't work. At all. I legitimately think I made a better game using copypasta from a "learn C++" book in a highschool computer class. Fine, lets continue, even though as you can see, the game simply doesn't fucking work.

Throw in there are no actual obstacles in the game (because you can just drive through them all with zero consequence) and you can drive sideways along inclines that would rollover any vehicle ever made, much less a big rig. Throw in you can drive backwards until you break the fucking sound barrier. Throw in you can drive off the map completely and the game doesn't give a shit. Throw in that one of the five maps (yes, FIVE maps in a RACING GAME) doesn't even work. Throw in a finishing sentence to this paragraph, because this piece of shit doesn't deserve me coming up with one.

I thought Resident Evil : Outbreak was the worst game I'd ever played. Make no mistake, Outbreak sucks out loud. However, when compared to this, I want to go track down my copy of Outbreak I sold to GameStop and hug it telling it how sorry I am for the mean names I called it. Outbreak blows, but I would rather play it for eight hours straight then ever even look at the box this pile of digital AIDS came in again.

By the way, when you win races, the game proudly proclaims "You're Winner!". With those heartwarming words I will close my little rant, you're winner if reading this is the closest you ever get to this fucking pile of shit.

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