This one falls into the "almost but not quite" category, similar to a discovered planet that is perfect for human life other than one particle in the air that instantly kills people. This game almost hit it out of the park, it is right there on the edge of all-time greatness, but it misses by an agonizingly small margin. Before I give the two reasons why, lets get to the good.
Playing with three friends against randomly assigned hordes of zombies. Beautiful. Buh-yoo-tee-ful. It's a fucking blast. Some barely care you are there, others run at you like they're on fire and you're the only water faucet on the face of the fucking planet, a handful of special zombies that each have their own little niche. It's a great, great idea. There is no fucking storyline whatsoever other than "you're here, get to there". That's it. Really. Zombie games don't need storylines, they're too awesome.
Versus mode has a ton of potential too despite it harboring both the major problems of the game I'll get to shortly. Four vs four, survivors vs zombies (zombies play as the special ones, each with unique abilities like blinding survivors with vomit, dragging them across the ground and molesting them, etc), five stages, teams take turns on each stage playing as both sides. You get rewarded as a survivor for either making it to the safe room or on a point system counting how close you made it. Zombies get points for killing the survivors before they make it, or at least sexually assaulting them several times and making the journey not very enjoyable. Again. Fucking beautiful.
Sadly, only four campaigns are in the game. Each are split into five stages, with each having a fifth "hold this spot for ten minutes while a whole shitload of stuff comes at you until the rescue vehicle shows up" final stage. Each campaign takes about an hour if you make it through on your first run. It isn't as short as it sounds, the "director AI" mixes it up every time you play. Sometimes a tank (big, big zombie who enjoys throwing large chunks of concrete at you and smashing your face in) will block your way, the next time he won't be there. Hell, nothing might be at that same spot in the map, but later a mob of zombies that weren't there last time will drop down on you. It keeps things interesting and unique each time. Also, Expert mode will give even the most seasoned player one hell of a fucking challenge.
Back to Versus, alas. This mode is legitimately close to being the perfect online gaming experience, but no dice. For starters, online gaming = tons of kids, Left 4 Dead = teamwork required. Note a conflict of interest here. Kids are stupid. A lot of times Douchebag X will run off ahead of you like a moron and get slaughtered as a survivor, or Douchebag Y will run straight at people like a retard as a zombie. A good team is a great time, a bad team is a nightmare. We're still not at the two major problems, though.
Problem A: Zombies can push some shit in the way of things that survivors can't move. Whoopsie, game developers. Shoulda seen that one coming. People online are assholes, and a lot of them are kids. Kids take games seriously, they HAVE to win. If they have to put something in your way you literally can't move to accomplish this, they will. Stupid idea. About half the time, expect some faggot kid on the opposing team to do this to you, because he's butthurt about you kicking his ass so badly.
Problem B: Versus mode again. There are a few obvious rape spots for the zombie team that survivors have no choice but to go through, such as a ladder leading to a roof in the first campaign. They have to go up that ladder, period. Therefore, there is no reason whatsoever for the zombie team to not just wait on top of the ladder and beat the ever living shit out of them once they pop their heads out. These are survivable with a team not completely retarded, one survivor goes up and draws one of them to him, the others shoot up and kill the zombie. Still, it's a pain in the ass. A Diablo-esque random map generator could fix this, but whatever. A smarter playerbase would balance this out.
Despite those two flaws, the first one being a massive fuckup by Valve, I can't reccomend this game enough for somebody who plays online. Single player, it sucks, don't bother. But, if you like playing with other people, it is a must have. Valve cares about computer players more than XBox, as evidenced by Problem A being fixed over a month ago on computers and still ignored on XBox, so keep that in mind when purchasing. Playstation 3? Hah, fuck you, it's not even on that joke of a console. Anyway. Grab three friends and four copies of this game and answer the question we both know you've had, "what would I do if the zombie apocalypse happened?"
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Halo 3 (More like Failo, amirite)
The irony here, of course, is nobody is going to read this. Nobody reads any of my shit, because I don't promote it, and nobody goes on blogger and just drifts around. However, this needs to be documented somewhere on teh intarwebs for future generations.
Halo 3 is the most overrated, absurdly hyped, steaming pile of shit you could put into you XBox 360 without physically lowering your ass onto the disc tray and unleashing a night of Goldschlager and chili dogs on it. It's that simple.
And don't give me UR A HATR HALO IS TEH BAST GAYME EVAR DURR HURR shit, I'm not a "fanboy" of a console, that's for 12 year olds (99% of the Halo 3 playerbase), plus fuck you, I own a 360. I'm not smashing it because I love my PS3 (which again, hi, I don't own) and I slam any promoted 360 exclusive title, I'm simply calling this what it is. A really, really shitty game.
Single player campaign. We won't spend a lot of time here, because that's not what anybody bought it for anyway. It shows. The storyline is embarrasing even for a shooter, a genre that rarely prides itself on the story. Fine. I can live with that, up to a point. But honestly, my reaction when I beat this garbage was "you got to be fucking kidding me". As in, those words came out of my mouth, I remember the moment. This reaction was not because I knew I was coming to the end and found it anticlimactic, that would be praising the end of this game too much. The reaction was because I legitimately could not believe the game was over. To repeat, it wasn't disappointment with the ending, it was complete shock that it WAS the ending. You drive some stupid vehicle while the floor is falling apart around you, and then it ends. Seriously. That's it. Thanks for your money, go buy a new tv because you probably just threw your controller through the one you played this sack of turds on.
Now, the key portion of any shooter released in the high speed internet era, multiplayer! That's got to be good at least, right? No, and you're an idiot. Fuck you. The multiplayer plays like it's a social experiment, like it was created with the sole purpose of pissing you off and seeing how long you would subject yourself to the torture. For me, it was about ten hours, about eight of which spent playing with a friend and making fun of how shitty it was. To its credit, that's about nine and a half hours more than I played Gears Of War multiplayer, which I knew before the second game of it I played ended that I hated to levels I can't even describe.
If a game starts and somebody leaves, that's it. Nobody gets to replace them. You can't join a game late. So, if you're doing a team-oriented type and mommy calls a few of your teammates to dinner (which will happen, again, ALL 12 year olds. Just throw on a headset and tell me I'm wrong), you're fucked. Serves you right, dickhead, you bought this piece of shit.
Any, and I mean ANY combat in multiplayer can be boiled down to this formula:
1. Run straight at opponent as opponent runs straight at you
2. Whoever hits the melee button and smacks the other with their gun first wins
3. There is no 3. That's it. Nothing else has ever happened in a Halo 3 multiplayer game, and nothing ever will.
How exciting. Why use cover, make snipers declare themselves with diversions, have guns best suited for certain situations, have any level of teamwork, or anything other than a series of encounters that you either win or lose, and those you win are immediately followed by getting killed by somebody else? Fuck all that shit. Run at each other. Shoot. Smack with gun. Repeat. I'm having so much fun I just nervously shit myself, this is the best game ever made.
Sadly, you'll see on many fan-vote oriented "best evar" game lists that Halo 3 is almost always in the top 5. Note the rest of the top 10, you'll see Gears of War, GTA IV, and a handful of other games that have come out in the last couple of years that were promoted a lot. And why is that? Anyone? You, over there, raising your hand! Yes, that's right, because it's a bunch of 12 year olds who literally haven't lived long enough to fucking play anything!
That, THAT is why this first person shooter abortion gets its praise. That is the ONLY reason. The people who love Halo 3, a shitty game, also love John Cena, a shitty wrestler. Why? Because people with a shitload of money TELL them that they like it. Hell, give me the marketing budget Halo 3 had, I'll make a game consisting of a black screen reading "you lost faggot" that's called Fuck You Asshole 3D and it'll average a 9.5/10 rating or higher on every website that allows players to vote and write reviews.
Think I'm wrong? Go rent this piece of shit. If you're old enough to drink, hell, if you're old enough that you've grown your first pubic hair, I would be absolutely stunned if you thought this was anything above "below average". They kept Master Chief alive and put him in a fucking freezer or something at the end of 3 so that they can milk this cash cow further, it will be VERY interesting to see what these kids think of 4 when it comes out (and it will at some point, you were warned) and they're old enough to form their own opinion.
Halo 3 is the most overrated, absurdly hyped, steaming pile of shit you could put into you XBox 360 without physically lowering your ass onto the disc tray and unleashing a night of Goldschlager and chili dogs on it. It's that simple.
And don't give me UR A HATR HALO IS TEH BAST GAYME EVAR DURR HURR shit, I'm not a "fanboy" of a console, that's for 12 year olds (99% of the Halo 3 playerbase), plus fuck you, I own a 360. I'm not smashing it because I love my PS3 (which again, hi, I don't own) and I slam any promoted 360 exclusive title, I'm simply calling this what it is. A really, really shitty game.
Single player campaign. We won't spend a lot of time here, because that's not what anybody bought it for anyway. It shows. The storyline is embarrasing even for a shooter, a genre that rarely prides itself on the story. Fine. I can live with that, up to a point. But honestly, my reaction when I beat this garbage was "you got to be fucking kidding me". As in, those words came out of my mouth, I remember the moment. This reaction was not because I knew I was coming to the end and found it anticlimactic, that would be praising the end of this game too much. The reaction was because I legitimately could not believe the game was over. To repeat, it wasn't disappointment with the ending, it was complete shock that it WAS the ending. You drive some stupid vehicle while the floor is falling apart around you, and then it ends. Seriously. That's it. Thanks for your money, go buy a new tv because you probably just threw your controller through the one you played this sack of turds on.
Now, the key portion of any shooter released in the high speed internet era, multiplayer! That's got to be good at least, right? No, and you're an idiot. Fuck you. The multiplayer plays like it's a social experiment, like it was created with the sole purpose of pissing you off and seeing how long you would subject yourself to the torture. For me, it was about ten hours, about eight of which spent playing with a friend and making fun of how shitty it was. To its credit, that's about nine and a half hours more than I played Gears Of War multiplayer, which I knew before the second game of it I played ended that I hated to levels I can't even describe.
If a game starts and somebody leaves, that's it. Nobody gets to replace them. You can't join a game late. So, if you're doing a team-oriented type and mommy calls a few of your teammates to dinner (which will happen, again, ALL 12 year olds. Just throw on a headset and tell me I'm wrong), you're fucked. Serves you right, dickhead, you bought this piece of shit.
Any, and I mean ANY combat in multiplayer can be boiled down to this formula:
1. Run straight at opponent as opponent runs straight at you
2. Whoever hits the melee button and smacks the other with their gun first wins
3. There is no 3. That's it. Nothing else has ever happened in a Halo 3 multiplayer game, and nothing ever will.
How exciting. Why use cover, make snipers declare themselves with diversions, have guns best suited for certain situations, have any level of teamwork, or anything other than a series of encounters that you either win or lose, and those you win are immediately followed by getting killed by somebody else? Fuck all that shit. Run at each other. Shoot. Smack with gun. Repeat. I'm having so much fun I just nervously shit myself, this is the best game ever made.
Sadly, you'll see on many fan-vote oriented "best evar" game lists that Halo 3 is almost always in the top 5. Note the rest of the top 10, you'll see Gears of War, GTA IV, and a handful of other games that have come out in the last couple of years that were promoted a lot. And why is that? Anyone? You, over there, raising your hand! Yes, that's right, because it's a bunch of 12 year olds who literally haven't lived long enough to fucking play anything!
That, THAT is why this first person shooter abortion gets its praise. That is the ONLY reason. The people who love Halo 3, a shitty game, also love John Cena, a shitty wrestler. Why? Because people with a shitload of money TELL them that they like it. Hell, give me the marketing budget Halo 3 had, I'll make a game consisting of a black screen reading "you lost faggot" that's called Fuck You Asshole 3D and it'll average a 9.5/10 rating or higher on every website that allows players to vote and write reviews.
Think I'm wrong? Go rent this piece of shit. If you're old enough to drink, hell, if you're old enough that you've grown your first pubic hair, I would be absolutely stunned if you thought this was anything above "below average". They kept Master Chief alive and put him in a fucking freezer or something at the end of 3 so that they can milk this cash cow further, it will be VERY interesting to see what these kids think of 4 when it comes out (and it will at some point, you were warned) and they're old enough to form their own opinion.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Battlefield : Bad Company (EA Sports?)
I borrowed this 360 game from my buddy. He's the type of friend a gamer nerd like myself likes to have, smokes tons of pot, buys shitloads of videogames, generously lends them out without even being asked. I was curious about this one, so when he handed it to me one day, fuck yeah. Lets check it out.
If you don't feel like reading a full review (fuck you, prick), then I can sum this game up for you in one line. Battlefield : Bad Company is a B-Grade version of Call Of Duty. There. Done. For those who desire a more further breakdown, lets start with single player. You know, that thing you used to care about before high speed internet.
The characters are.... by no means unique, but it puts a nice little spin on the military shooter shit. You're a bunch of guys who fucked up in the army and are now sent forth on suicide missions that soldiers who do things by the book aren't wasted on. Whoopie. There is some nice banter between the characters at points, they each have their own traits, but nothing that hasn't been done before.
On top of that, you'll learn quickly your three computer AI controlled partners couldn't pour piss out of a boot if there were instructions on the heel. If I hear "Preston, right behind you" one more time, I'm going to choke a bitch. I seriously never saw one of these fucks ever actually kill something, they would prefer to tell you where the guy kicking your ass is than shoot at him themselves. If you want something dead, you're going to have to shoot it, because your partners will swear and say "ow" while something five feet in front of them shoots them in the fucking head twenty times. Retro gamers will love it, it's a throwback to the useless AI partners from your past.
The enemy AI is equally stupid, but it'll beat you up pretty good. A main contributor to that is most of the time you have no idea what the hell is going on as you go from point A to B over and over. I'm not asking for enemies that carry neon "shoot me" signs, but visibility in this game sucks out loud. Don't bother with strategy, get close, kill something, heal, repeat. That's how this game works.
On the healing, we get back to me calling this a B-Grade Call Of Duty. Call Of Duty you get hurt, you wait a bit, you're fine. Bad Company you have an injector that reloads every twenty seconds or so that heals you. What the hell is the point of it? There isn't one. It's the same damn thing, but you have to press the trigger.
If you die, you go back to the last save point. Nothing, new, right? Wrong, asshole. Everything in front of you that you took out is still dead, you just have to take a long walk or drive back to where you were. So, in other words, just rush the shit out of wherever you're supposed to be going, kill whatever you can, and go back. The penalty for death is...... a walk back to where you died. You're immortal, but your enemies aren't because they suck.
Multiplayer. Meh. Again, B-Grade Call Of Duty. It's okay. If you spawn on your squad a lot, you can rack up deaths at an infuriating rate, and some of it is bullshit, but whatever. It's not great, it's not bad. Look at the bright side, at least you're not playing Halo 3.
Don't read this review and think I'm saying Battlefield : Bad Company sucks, it doesn't. JAS, just another shooter. Single player campaign feels like a chore and isn't that good but it's okay, multiplayer is above average but could be a lot more. If a friend lets you borrow it, it's worth a few hours of your time. Should you buy it? Nope. It's... okay, and that's all it is.
The only difference between Bad Company and Halo 3 or Gears Of War is Bad Company knows what it is, whereas the other two think they're something they aren't. Bad Company is slightly above average and advertises itself as such, Gears and Halo 3 act like they're God's gift to gaming when they're both vanilla generic shooters with nothing special included. Should you be forced to buy one of the three at gunpoint, get Bad Company. Should you have your choice of game, get Call Of Duty, or something completely different. There is nothing here that should make you run like hell from Bad Company, but there isn't anything that should make you run to it either.
If you don't feel like reading a full review (fuck you, prick), then I can sum this game up for you in one line. Battlefield : Bad Company is a B-Grade version of Call Of Duty. There. Done. For those who desire a more further breakdown, lets start with single player. You know, that thing you used to care about before high speed internet.
The characters are.... by no means unique, but it puts a nice little spin on the military shooter shit. You're a bunch of guys who fucked up in the army and are now sent forth on suicide missions that soldiers who do things by the book aren't wasted on. Whoopie. There is some nice banter between the characters at points, they each have their own traits, but nothing that hasn't been done before.
On top of that, you'll learn quickly your three computer AI controlled partners couldn't pour piss out of a boot if there were instructions on the heel. If I hear "Preston, right behind you" one more time, I'm going to choke a bitch. I seriously never saw one of these fucks ever actually kill something, they would prefer to tell you where the guy kicking your ass is than shoot at him themselves. If you want something dead, you're going to have to shoot it, because your partners will swear and say "ow" while something five feet in front of them shoots them in the fucking head twenty times. Retro gamers will love it, it's a throwback to the useless AI partners from your past.
The enemy AI is equally stupid, but it'll beat you up pretty good. A main contributor to that is most of the time you have no idea what the hell is going on as you go from point A to B over and over. I'm not asking for enemies that carry neon "shoot me" signs, but visibility in this game sucks out loud. Don't bother with strategy, get close, kill something, heal, repeat. That's how this game works.
On the healing, we get back to me calling this a B-Grade Call Of Duty. Call Of Duty you get hurt, you wait a bit, you're fine. Bad Company you have an injector that reloads every twenty seconds or so that heals you. What the hell is the point of it? There isn't one. It's the same damn thing, but you have to press the trigger.
If you die, you go back to the last save point. Nothing, new, right? Wrong, asshole. Everything in front of you that you took out is still dead, you just have to take a long walk or drive back to where you were. So, in other words, just rush the shit out of wherever you're supposed to be going, kill whatever you can, and go back. The penalty for death is...... a walk back to where you died. You're immortal, but your enemies aren't because they suck.
Multiplayer. Meh. Again, B-Grade Call Of Duty. It's okay. If you spawn on your squad a lot, you can rack up deaths at an infuriating rate, and some of it is bullshit, but whatever. It's not great, it's not bad. Look at the bright side, at least you're not playing Halo 3.
Don't read this review and think I'm saying Battlefield : Bad Company sucks, it doesn't. JAS, just another shooter. Single player campaign feels like a chore and isn't that good but it's okay, multiplayer is above average but could be a lot more. If a friend lets you borrow it, it's worth a few hours of your time. Should you buy it? Nope. It's... okay, and that's all it is.
The only difference between Bad Company and Halo 3 or Gears Of War is Bad Company knows what it is, whereas the other two think they're something they aren't. Bad Company is slightly above average and advertises itself as such, Gears and Halo 3 act like they're God's gift to gaming when they're both vanilla generic shooters with nothing special included. Should you be forced to buy one of the three at gunpoint, get Bad Company. Should you have your choice of game, get Call Of Duty, or something completely different. There is nothing here that should make you run like hell from Bad Company, but there isn't anything that should make you run to it either.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Resident Evil : Outbreak
This one will be short, as it's been a little while since I played it, and some reality show is on Tru TV right now that I'm watching. Not that I like those, but this one takes place around a pool party and has cameramen following the waitress' around at ass level. They're doing a wonderful, wonderful thing.
You may never say "oh, shit" quicker than when you boot up Resident Evil : Outbreak the first time. You legitimately know this game sucks ten seconds into playing it. How is that possible?
You start in a bar, see a bathroom, say "I should go check for stuff I can use in there", go to the door.....
And have a loading screen for two minutes. Oh dear.
Now, to be fair, I've never been a big Resident Evil fan. Played most of them, thought a few were okay, thought a few sucked (such as this one), but was never blown away by any of them. I don't think that makes me biased here, I mean, I bought the fucking thing, but I felt I should share that with all zero of you.
Really, though. The loading times in this game are Blitz : The League-esque in their length, and they happen all the time. If absurdly slow moving characters (I've never been chased by hungry zombies, but if I were I'd imagine I'd show a little more urgency) and pretty shitty controls didn't deter you, it would still be impossible to get into this game. Even if you liked it when you were playing, the load times would just kill you. They are numerous, and they are long. It hurts, man. It reminded me of back when I tried to play Diablo on my Pentium 100 back in the day. It loaded eventually, but by the time it did you were watching tv or some shit.
I beat the first level with two characters, I beat the second with one character, and that was that. I didn't care about it. I hear one of the characters has some text blocks in certain levels so long that they'd fuck up the game and make it freeze, but I never got far enough with her or cared enough to verify it. From what I did see, I wouldn't put it past them.
The game feels like Alone In The Dark in slow motion. That is my summary. At this point, you're much, much, MUCH better off buying Left 4 Dead anyway. Back when Outbreak was new, you would have been better off not buying anything. Now, if you'll excuse me, an inordinate amount of titties in bikinis are on my tv, I'm going to need one of my hands.
You may never say "oh, shit" quicker than when you boot up Resident Evil : Outbreak the first time. You legitimately know this game sucks ten seconds into playing it. How is that possible?
You start in a bar, see a bathroom, say "I should go check for stuff I can use in there", go to the door.....
And have a loading screen for two minutes. Oh dear.
Now, to be fair, I've never been a big Resident Evil fan. Played most of them, thought a few were okay, thought a few sucked (such as this one), but was never blown away by any of them. I don't think that makes me biased here, I mean, I bought the fucking thing, but I felt I should share that with all zero of you.
Really, though. The loading times in this game are Blitz : The League-esque in their length, and they happen all the time. If absurdly slow moving characters (I've never been chased by hungry zombies, but if I were I'd imagine I'd show a little more urgency) and pretty shitty controls didn't deter you, it would still be impossible to get into this game. Even if you liked it when you were playing, the load times would just kill you. They are numerous, and they are long. It hurts, man. It reminded me of back when I tried to play Diablo on my Pentium 100 back in the day. It loaded eventually, but by the time it did you were watching tv or some shit.
I beat the first level with two characters, I beat the second with one character, and that was that. I didn't care about it. I hear one of the characters has some text blocks in certain levels so long that they'd fuck up the game and make it freeze, but I never got far enough with her or cared enough to verify it. From what I did see, I wouldn't put it past them.
The game feels like Alone In The Dark in slow motion. That is my summary. At this point, you're much, much, MUCH better off buying Left 4 Dead anyway. Back when Outbreak was new, you would have been better off not buying anything. Now, if you'll excuse me, an inordinate amount of titties in bikinis are on my tv, I'm going to need one of my hands.
Red Faction 2 (more like Red Faction BOOOO, amirite?)
Did you play Red Faction? Probably not, it didn't seem to be that popular despite very positive reviews. Too bad. That shit was great. No key for the door? Fuck that, blow a hole in the wall next to it! Great concept. Fun as hell. I loved that game.
If you didn't play it, however, then you probably dodged a bullet named Red Faction 2. I saw this while doing a bargain bin hunt at the store for 9 bucks in the Playstation 2 section, how could I go wrong when the last one was so awesome?
Wuh.... w..... WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?
Absolutely, positively nothing like the first one. Maybe you could blow holes in walls, I dunno, I never got far enough. I had enough of this shit after about an hour and a half. The combination of finding MDK2 for 3 bucks knowing that was fun and the fact that this game was literally making me feel gay when I played it saw to that. I know that's an odd way to describe a game, but its the best way I can. As I shot half-assed, ugly generic enemies in half-assed, ugly generic levels, all I could think was "this game is fucking gay, and I'm gay for playing it".
I probably should have known what I was in store for when I opened the case, and bam, wedged in on top of the manual was the receipt from the original place this game was bought new at. That's how bad the first victim this game claimed wanted to get rid of it. "Nope, I don't need to see the manual. I don't need to learn how to play, because I know I don't want to." That's the same reaction I had, actually. I knew how to play, but I didn't particularly care.
You ruined the railgun, you bastards. The gun that could see people through like 75 feet of fucking concrete and snipe them in the head through it, the coolest gun ever. You made it suck. You made Red Faction suck. How did this happen so quickly? Its not like I remember the first one being good so I bought Red Faction 9 and was shocked when it sucked, this was the second one. The Red Faction series went downhill quicker than Chuck Norris jokes.
I really don't even know how to comment. The controls are responsive enough, I guess. Not great, but not ridiculous. There was some uninspired storyline about killing some guy that I stopped giving a shit about the moment it was mentioned. The levels I played were boring, metal stairs metal walls metal everything crap, some stupid brainless guys standing in one spot firing occasionally, and I think there was an elevator. Seriously, that's all I can say.
Not the worst game I've ever played (though very, very bad), just an extreme disappointment when the first one set the bar so high. I look at the MDK 2 copy I picked up with it, and hell, that's just as fun as the first one. Why isn't this? I don't know, and quite frankly, after an hour and a half or so of playing, I don't fucking care. This rectangular box of suck will go on the top game shelf with all the other shit I don't care about, and it'll stay there until I move. Even then, I might just leave it there.
If you didn't play it, however, then you probably dodged a bullet named Red Faction 2. I saw this while doing a bargain bin hunt at the store for 9 bucks in the Playstation 2 section, how could I go wrong when the last one was so awesome?
Wuh.... w..... WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?
Absolutely, positively nothing like the first one. Maybe you could blow holes in walls, I dunno, I never got far enough. I had enough of this shit after about an hour and a half. The combination of finding MDK2 for 3 bucks knowing that was fun and the fact that this game was literally making me feel gay when I played it saw to that. I know that's an odd way to describe a game, but its the best way I can. As I shot half-assed, ugly generic enemies in half-assed, ugly generic levels, all I could think was "this game is fucking gay, and I'm gay for playing it".
I probably should have known what I was in store for when I opened the case, and bam, wedged in on top of the manual was the receipt from the original place this game was bought new at. That's how bad the first victim this game claimed wanted to get rid of it. "Nope, I don't need to see the manual. I don't need to learn how to play, because I know I don't want to." That's the same reaction I had, actually. I knew how to play, but I didn't particularly care.
You ruined the railgun, you bastards. The gun that could see people through like 75 feet of fucking concrete and snipe them in the head through it, the coolest gun ever. You made it suck. You made Red Faction suck. How did this happen so quickly? Its not like I remember the first one being good so I bought Red Faction 9 and was shocked when it sucked, this was the second one. The Red Faction series went downhill quicker than Chuck Norris jokes.
I really don't even know how to comment. The controls are responsive enough, I guess. Not great, but not ridiculous. There was some uninspired storyline about killing some guy that I stopped giving a shit about the moment it was mentioned. The levels I played were boring, metal stairs metal walls metal everything crap, some stupid brainless guys standing in one spot firing occasionally, and I think there was an elevator. Seriously, that's all I can say.
Not the worst game I've ever played (though very, very bad), just an extreme disappointment when the first one set the bar so high. I look at the MDK 2 copy I picked up with it, and hell, that's just as fun as the first one. Why isn't this? I don't know, and quite frankly, after an hour and a half or so of playing, I don't fucking care. This rectangular box of suck will go on the top game shelf with all the other shit I don't care about, and it'll stay there until I move. Even then, I might just leave it there.
Big Rigs : Over the Road Racing (more like Total Shit : Never Purchase This Game, amirite?)
If you've read one review for this game, you've read them all, because everybody knows it sucks. The only different view you'll find comes from tards on GameSpot and the like giving it a 10 and saying it's great because LULZ DATS SO FUNNEH. That being said...
During a curious expedition on teh Internets today looking for the worst video games of all time (I wanted to see which I had played), I came across a common theme. E.T. for the Atari is apparantly the worst thing in the history of the fucking world, but Big Rigs : Over the Road Racing makes quite a few appearances on lists as well.
I had to find a copy of this game, and I did. Ebay, six bucks.
Oh my goodness fucking gracious, I should have spent that six bucks on a pack of Lucky Strikes and shoved it up my ass. It would have been a much more satisfying purchase, hell, the Lucky Strike ass-pack should have been included with my purchase to distract me from the pain.
What a piece of shit.
If you have a retard in your family with a computer, buy them this game. Seriously, I have legit reasons why. The computer controlled trucks in the "races", uh, don't move. Ever. He or she will win every time because it's literally impossible to lose, and they'll be thrilled.
Allow me to repeat myself, THE OTHER TRUCKS DO NOT MOVE IN THIS RACING GAME. Hi, I'm making a racing game, lets see how I did! Okay, looks fine, box it up.
HOW DID YOU NOT NOTICE THE OTHER TRUCKS DON'T MOVE? IT'S A FUCKING RACING GAME.
What a bunch of assholes. They either never, ever tried their product before shipping it out, or they simply didn't care. If they spent one second attempting to play it, I think they would notice that they won every race by an average distance of THE WHOLE FUCKING RACE TRACK.
Why go further from here? I've already established this piece of shit doesn't work. At all. I legitimately think I made a better game using copypasta from a "learn C++" book in a highschool computer class. Fine, lets continue, even though as you can see, the game simply doesn't fucking work.
Throw in there are no actual obstacles in the game (because you can just drive through them all with zero consequence) and you can drive sideways along inclines that would rollover any vehicle ever made, much less a big rig. Throw in you can drive backwards until you break the fucking sound barrier. Throw in you can drive off the map completely and the game doesn't give a shit. Throw in that one of the five maps (yes, FIVE maps in a RACING GAME) doesn't even work. Throw in a finishing sentence to this paragraph, because this piece of shit doesn't deserve me coming up with one.
I thought Resident Evil : Outbreak was the worst game I'd ever played. Make no mistake, Outbreak sucks out loud. However, when compared to this, I want to go track down my copy of Outbreak I sold to GameStop and hug it telling it how sorry I am for the mean names I called it. Outbreak blows, but I would rather play it for eight hours straight then ever even look at the box this pile of digital AIDS came in again.
By the way, when you win races, the game proudly proclaims "You're Winner!". With those heartwarming words I will close my little rant, you're winner if reading this is the closest you ever get to this fucking pile of shit.
During a curious expedition on teh Internets today looking for the worst video games of all time (I wanted to see which I had played), I came across a common theme. E.T. for the Atari is apparantly the worst thing in the history of the fucking world, but Big Rigs : Over the Road Racing makes quite a few appearances on lists as well.
I had to find a copy of this game, and I did. Ebay, six bucks.
Oh my goodness fucking gracious, I should have spent that six bucks on a pack of Lucky Strikes and shoved it up my ass. It would have been a much more satisfying purchase, hell, the Lucky Strike ass-pack should have been included with my purchase to distract me from the pain.
What a piece of shit.
If you have a retard in your family with a computer, buy them this game. Seriously, I have legit reasons why. The computer controlled trucks in the "races", uh, don't move. Ever. He or she will win every time because it's literally impossible to lose, and they'll be thrilled.
Allow me to repeat myself, THE OTHER TRUCKS DO NOT MOVE IN THIS RACING GAME. Hi, I'm making a racing game, lets see how I did! Okay, looks fine, box it up.
HOW DID YOU NOT NOTICE THE OTHER TRUCKS DON'T MOVE? IT'S A FUCKING RACING GAME.
What a bunch of assholes. They either never, ever tried their product before shipping it out, or they simply didn't care. If they spent one second attempting to play it, I think they would notice that they won every race by an average distance of THE WHOLE FUCKING RACE TRACK.
Why go further from here? I've already established this piece of shit doesn't work. At all. I legitimately think I made a better game using copypasta from a "learn C++" book in a highschool computer class. Fine, lets continue, even though as you can see, the game simply doesn't fucking work.
Throw in there are no actual obstacles in the game (because you can just drive through them all with zero consequence) and you can drive sideways along inclines that would rollover any vehicle ever made, much less a big rig. Throw in you can drive backwards until you break the fucking sound barrier. Throw in you can drive off the map completely and the game doesn't give a shit. Throw in that one of the five maps (yes, FIVE maps in a RACING GAME) doesn't even work. Throw in a finishing sentence to this paragraph, because this piece of shit doesn't deserve me coming up with one.
I thought Resident Evil : Outbreak was the worst game I'd ever played. Make no mistake, Outbreak sucks out loud. However, when compared to this, I want to go track down my copy of Outbreak I sold to GameStop and hug it telling it how sorry I am for the mean names I called it. Outbreak blows, but I would rather play it for eight hours straight then ever even look at the box this pile of digital AIDS came in again.
By the way, when you win races, the game proudly proclaims "You're Winner!". With those heartwarming words I will close my little rant, you're winner if reading this is the closest you ever get to this fucking pile of shit.
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