This one will be short, as it's been a little while since I played it, and some reality show is on Tru TV right now that I'm watching. Not that I like those, but this one takes place around a pool party and has cameramen following the waitress' around at ass level. They're doing a wonderful, wonderful thing.
You may never say "oh, shit" quicker than when you boot up Resident Evil : Outbreak the first time. You legitimately know this game sucks ten seconds into playing it. How is that possible?
You start in a bar, see a bathroom, say "I should go check for stuff I can use in there", go to the door.....
And have a loading screen for two minutes. Oh dear.
Now, to be fair, I've never been a big Resident Evil fan. Played most of them, thought a few were okay, thought a few sucked (such as this one), but was never blown away by any of them. I don't think that makes me biased here, I mean, I bought the fucking thing, but I felt I should share that with all zero of you.
Really, though. The loading times in this game are Blitz : The League-esque in their length, and they happen all the time. If absurdly slow moving characters (I've never been chased by hungry zombies, but if I were I'd imagine I'd show a little more urgency) and pretty shitty controls didn't deter you, it would still be impossible to get into this game. Even if you liked it when you were playing, the load times would just kill you. They are numerous, and they are long. It hurts, man. It reminded me of back when I tried to play Diablo on my Pentium 100 back in the day. It loaded eventually, but by the time it did you were watching tv or some shit.
I beat the first level with two characters, I beat the second with one character, and that was that. I didn't care about it. I hear one of the characters has some text blocks in certain levels so long that they'd fuck up the game and make it freeze, but I never got far enough with her or cared enough to verify it. From what I did see, I wouldn't put it past them.
The game feels like Alone In The Dark in slow motion. That is my summary. At this point, you're much, much, MUCH better off buying Left 4 Dead anyway. Back when Outbreak was new, you would have been better off not buying anything. Now, if you'll excuse me, an inordinate amount of titties in bikinis are on my tv, I'm going to need one of my hands.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Red Faction 2 (more like Red Faction BOOOO, amirite?)
Did you play Red Faction? Probably not, it didn't seem to be that popular despite very positive reviews. Too bad. That shit was great. No key for the door? Fuck that, blow a hole in the wall next to it! Great concept. Fun as hell. I loved that game.
If you didn't play it, however, then you probably dodged a bullet named Red Faction 2. I saw this while doing a bargain bin hunt at the store for 9 bucks in the Playstation 2 section, how could I go wrong when the last one was so awesome?
Wuh.... w..... WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?
Absolutely, positively nothing like the first one. Maybe you could blow holes in walls, I dunno, I never got far enough. I had enough of this shit after about an hour and a half. The combination of finding MDK2 for 3 bucks knowing that was fun and the fact that this game was literally making me feel gay when I played it saw to that. I know that's an odd way to describe a game, but its the best way I can. As I shot half-assed, ugly generic enemies in half-assed, ugly generic levels, all I could think was "this game is fucking gay, and I'm gay for playing it".
I probably should have known what I was in store for when I opened the case, and bam, wedged in on top of the manual was the receipt from the original place this game was bought new at. That's how bad the first victim this game claimed wanted to get rid of it. "Nope, I don't need to see the manual. I don't need to learn how to play, because I know I don't want to." That's the same reaction I had, actually. I knew how to play, but I didn't particularly care.
You ruined the railgun, you bastards. The gun that could see people through like 75 feet of fucking concrete and snipe them in the head through it, the coolest gun ever. You made it suck. You made Red Faction suck. How did this happen so quickly? Its not like I remember the first one being good so I bought Red Faction 9 and was shocked when it sucked, this was the second one. The Red Faction series went downhill quicker than Chuck Norris jokes.
I really don't even know how to comment. The controls are responsive enough, I guess. Not great, but not ridiculous. There was some uninspired storyline about killing some guy that I stopped giving a shit about the moment it was mentioned. The levels I played were boring, metal stairs metal walls metal everything crap, some stupid brainless guys standing in one spot firing occasionally, and I think there was an elevator. Seriously, that's all I can say.
Not the worst game I've ever played (though very, very bad), just an extreme disappointment when the first one set the bar so high. I look at the MDK 2 copy I picked up with it, and hell, that's just as fun as the first one. Why isn't this? I don't know, and quite frankly, after an hour and a half or so of playing, I don't fucking care. This rectangular box of suck will go on the top game shelf with all the other shit I don't care about, and it'll stay there until I move. Even then, I might just leave it there.
If you didn't play it, however, then you probably dodged a bullet named Red Faction 2. I saw this while doing a bargain bin hunt at the store for 9 bucks in the Playstation 2 section, how could I go wrong when the last one was so awesome?
Wuh.... w..... WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?
Absolutely, positively nothing like the first one. Maybe you could blow holes in walls, I dunno, I never got far enough. I had enough of this shit after about an hour and a half. The combination of finding MDK2 for 3 bucks knowing that was fun and the fact that this game was literally making me feel gay when I played it saw to that. I know that's an odd way to describe a game, but its the best way I can. As I shot half-assed, ugly generic enemies in half-assed, ugly generic levels, all I could think was "this game is fucking gay, and I'm gay for playing it".
I probably should have known what I was in store for when I opened the case, and bam, wedged in on top of the manual was the receipt from the original place this game was bought new at. That's how bad the first victim this game claimed wanted to get rid of it. "Nope, I don't need to see the manual. I don't need to learn how to play, because I know I don't want to." That's the same reaction I had, actually. I knew how to play, but I didn't particularly care.
You ruined the railgun, you bastards. The gun that could see people through like 75 feet of fucking concrete and snipe them in the head through it, the coolest gun ever. You made it suck. You made Red Faction suck. How did this happen so quickly? Its not like I remember the first one being good so I bought Red Faction 9 and was shocked when it sucked, this was the second one. The Red Faction series went downhill quicker than Chuck Norris jokes.
I really don't even know how to comment. The controls are responsive enough, I guess. Not great, but not ridiculous. There was some uninspired storyline about killing some guy that I stopped giving a shit about the moment it was mentioned. The levels I played were boring, metal stairs metal walls metal everything crap, some stupid brainless guys standing in one spot firing occasionally, and I think there was an elevator. Seriously, that's all I can say.
Not the worst game I've ever played (though very, very bad), just an extreme disappointment when the first one set the bar so high. I look at the MDK 2 copy I picked up with it, and hell, that's just as fun as the first one. Why isn't this? I don't know, and quite frankly, after an hour and a half or so of playing, I don't fucking care. This rectangular box of suck will go on the top game shelf with all the other shit I don't care about, and it'll stay there until I move. Even then, I might just leave it there.
Big Rigs : Over the Road Racing (more like Total Shit : Never Purchase This Game, amirite?)
If you've read one review for this game, you've read them all, because everybody knows it sucks. The only different view you'll find comes from tards on GameSpot and the like giving it a 10 and saying it's great because LULZ DATS SO FUNNEH. That being said...
During a curious expedition on teh Internets today looking for the worst video games of all time (I wanted to see which I had played), I came across a common theme. E.T. for the Atari is apparantly the worst thing in the history of the fucking world, but Big Rigs : Over the Road Racing makes quite a few appearances on lists as well.
I had to find a copy of this game, and I did. Ebay, six bucks.
Oh my goodness fucking gracious, I should have spent that six bucks on a pack of Lucky Strikes and shoved it up my ass. It would have been a much more satisfying purchase, hell, the Lucky Strike ass-pack should have been included with my purchase to distract me from the pain.
What a piece of shit.
If you have a retard in your family with a computer, buy them this game. Seriously, I have legit reasons why. The computer controlled trucks in the "races", uh, don't move. Ever. He or she will win every time because it's literally impossible to lose, and they'll be thrilled.
Allow me to repeat myself, THE OTHER TRUCKS DO NOT MOVE IN THIS RACING GAME. Hi, I'm making a racing game, lets see how I did! Okay, looks fine, box it up.
HOW DID YOU NOT NOTICE THE OTHER TRUCKS DON'T MOVE? IT'S A FUCKING RACING GAME.
What a bunch of assholes. They either never, ever tried their product before shipping it out, or they simply didn't care. If they spent one second attempting to play it, I think they would notice that they won every race by an average distance of THE WHOLE FUCKING RACE TRACK.
Why go further from here? I've already established this piece of shit doesn't work. At all. I legitimately think I made a better game using copypasta from a "learn C++" book in a highschool computer class. Fine, lets continue, even though as you can see, the game simply doesn't fucking work.
Throw in there are no actual obstacles in the game (because you can just drive through them all with zero consequence) and you can drive sideways along inclines that would rollover any vehicle ever made, much less a big rig. Throw in you can drive backwards until you break the fucking sound barrier. Throw in you can drive off the map completely and the game doesn't give a shit. Throw in that one of the five maps (yes, FIVE maps in a RACING GAME) doesn't even work. Throw in a finishing sentence to this paragraph, because this piece of shit doesn't deserve me coming up with one.
I thought Resident Evil : Outbreak was the worst game I'd ever played. Make no mistake, Outbreak sucks out loud. However, when compared to this, I want to go track down my copy of Outbreak I sold to GameStop and hug it telling it how sorry I am for the mean names I called it. Outbreak blows, but I would rather play it for eight hours straight then ever even look at the box this pile of digital AIDS came in again.
By the way, when you win races, the game proudly proclaims "You're Winner!". With those heartwarming words I will close my little rant, you're winner if reading this is the closest you ever get to this fucking pile of shit.
During a curious expedition on teh Internets today looking for the worst video games of all time (I wanted to see which I had played), I came across a common theme. E.T. for the Atari is apparantly the worst thing in the history of the fucking world, but Big Rigs : Over the Road Racing makes quite a few appearances on lists as well.
I had to find a copy of this game, and I did. Ebay, six bucks.
Oh my goodness fucking gracious, I should have spent that six bucks on a pack of Lucky Strikes and shoved it up my ass. It would have been a much more satisfying purchase, hell, the Lucky Strike ass-pack should have been included with my purchase to distract me from the pain.
What a piece of shit.
If you have a retard in your family with a computer, buy them this game. Seriously, I have legit reasons why. The computer controlled trucks in the "races", uh, don't move. Ever. He or she will win every time because it's literally impossible to lose, and they'll be thrilled.
Allow me to repeat myself, THE OTHER TRUCKS DO NOT MOVE IN THIS RACING GAME. Hi, I'm making a racing game, lets see how I did! Okay, looks fine, box it up.
HOW DID YOU NOT NOTICE THE OTHER TRUCKS DON'T MOVE? IT'S A FUCKING RACING GAME.
What a bunch of assholes. They either never, ever tried their product before shipping it out, or they simply didn't care. If they spent one second attempting to play it, I think they would notice that they won every race by an average distance of THE WHOLE FUCKING RACE TRACK.
Why go further from here? I've already established this piece of shit doesn't work. At all. I legitimately think I made a better game using copypasta from a "learn C++" book in a highschool computer class. Fine, lets continue, even though as you can see, the game simply doesn't fucking work.
Throw in there are no actual obstacles in the game (because you can just drive through them all with zero consequence) and you can drive sideways along inclines that would rollover any vehicle ever made, much less a big rig. Throw in you can drive backwards until you break the fucking sound barrier. Throw in you can drive off the map completely and the game doesn't give a shit. Throw in that one of the five maps (yes, FIVE maps in a RACING GAME) doesn't even work. Throw in a finishing sentence to this paragraph, because this piece of shit doesn't deserve me coming up with one.
I thought Resident Evil : Outbreak was the worst game I'd ever played. Make no mistake, Outbreak sucks out loud. However, when compared to this, I want to go track down my copy of Outbreak I sold to GameStop and hug it telling it how sorry I am for the mean names I called it. Outbreak blows, but I would rather play it for eight hours straight then ever even look at the box this pile of digital AIDS came in again.
By the way, when you win races, the game proudly proclaims "You're Winner!". With those heartwarming words I will close my little rant, you're winner if reading this is the closest you ever get to this fucking pile of shit.
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